Last night it rained so there were lots of wiggly worms on the path to work this morning and we propped doors open all over the dining hall this afternoon to let in the warm breeze. Spring is lovely but to be honest, I don’t feel so good. It’s this constant disappointment of LP saying he’ll be back from Cali soon but then not returning. Always the date is pushed back and every time is a little more unsettling. It isn’t his fault. He lost his wallet and when we mailed his passport it got lost in the mail. But I still just feel very let down. It feels good to be able to admit that though, without feeling the urge to delete it and pretend that I’m perfect, that me and LP are perfect and that my emotions are always what they should be.
It makes me feel alive and real and valid to say that I am not getting what I want when that’s the case. I could NEVER say that this time last year without feeling guilty unless it was myself that was falling short. I feel enabled now… to get what I want. I’m less hurt when things don’t work out and when I’m angry, I don’t sit and stare, I run or I say something. (I’m not mad at you LP. Obvi. Your Cali situation just opened my can of worms and spilled them so bluebird could eat them and be happy in herself.)
Last night I dreamed I was running from the woods and some young girls saw me. Apparently they had summoned me. They put magenta flower necklaces around my neck as I ran, then I disappeared into a tiny beautiful candle-lit (more like sunlit but it was dark out) white cottage which I later remembered thinking of as the castle. Then I was gone, because I never really was there at all. I was a ghost in a residual haunting. I watched this from both my perspective and a bird’s-eye view.
I just finished reading a biography called “Dealing With Roseanne” about Roseanne Barr. It was one of the eeriest things I’ve ever read. She’s an amazing feminist comedienne but she just has so much hurt and anger inside her… Lahr describes her as looking like a cadaver, soulless and that she doesn’t think her mind body and spirit are one. She reads as a mind floating in an abyss of confusion and distrust, with no home. I want to see her. But maybe that would be too haunting.