It’s been a while since I’ve written but I assure you, I’ve been very alive feeling all too familiar feelings. I began an entry a couple of days ago but considered it too private to post. Now I’m over the whole thing so I don’t care to share it. My little bird, I think even you might relate to this partial rant. Please don’t talk to me about this. Let’s keep this on the Street.
[My most recent journal entries (not blog entries) have been awkwardly personal, so much that I’m having difficulty paraphrasing them here. They’re about my sex-drive… or lack there of and the problems it creates in my relationships.
First, does everyone else really have sex all the time? At age 25, I still have no real concept of what’s normal. Is there a normal or am I just being compared to ex-girlfriends? The person I’m seeing now is a newly ex so I often feel like he’s thinking, “Damn, I should have stuck with what I had before,” even though the reason for the breakup wasn’t sexual intimacy. Honestly, the only times I feel really comfortable with sex are when it’s with someone new, or someone I don’t know that well, or that I don’t like that much. New is preferable because there’s the notion that when the endorphins come, what I might be feeling is love. What I don’t like is the every day. Normal or not, it isn’t good for me but it’s what I’m working with and if I don’t feel like having sex, I’m not gonna do it.]
*Though I prefaced the statement with honestly, I don’t actually only enjoy intimacy with strangers or people I don’t like. I’m just painfully cynical sometimes. Very intense. In tents.
There’s just so much shame in not being able to be physically present with someone I care about. When Griffin broke up with me he said it was partly because he wasn’t physically attracted to me. I immediately felt dirty and lazy, and assumed that I wasn’t good at sex or that I didn’t do it nearly enough. I should have been able to accept what he said without getting upset with myself but even in knowing I have this tendency, I still do. Is it really for reasons as cliche as fashion or marketing? Do I really view myself as a sex object?
I’m somewhere in between. Sometimes I feel bad about it but sometimes I say, “Fuck off now. I’m tryin’ to sleep,” and in a few days I’m back to not having to think about it one way or another. It was just such a BIG deal for me a few days ago, but yeah, now it’s over.
So I’ve been lost from you for a while. There’s the sex thing and also the internet’s been down. I miss writing to you my bluest-feathered friend. You give my life an exciting balance of public and private, sacred and even more-so. I’m always wondering what’s safe to say, safe to be, and on a brave day, I can divulge most anything to my friend that always listens but never speaks.
Today is beautiful, if I didn’t miss you so much, I’d be outside right now chasing a frisbee. This afternoon all of the program instructors were instructed to pick up trash around camp which meant wandering the fields solo for a little over an hour. I found a mood ring beside the cable bridge, a locket at arts-and-crafts and a frisbee on Hayden Soccer Field. I also found one of the last piles of snow at Frost Valley slowly melting next to an old shed. The snow in it’s aberrant climate made me miss my friends at Frost Valley even though we’re not gone from each other yet. We’ve had quite a year together. The snow in all it’s withering majesty is what we came here for, what we learned, taught, and played in. It’s the time we spent hibernating and evaluating ourselves and it’s also the time when we struggled. Now life is sunny and easy and our time together will be over soon.