Excuses Excuses

It’s been ages since my last post, I know, and if you’re still listening, I’m sorry. It’s like I don’t trust you or something, I know. I know. It’s just that every time I write I feel as though I’m almost onto something but not quite. I feel naked and wrong. Last night my dad called long after dark to get my blog address. He was drunk probably for the first time in months (he never drinks) and the first thing that occurred to him was to use the bar’s free internet to take a peek into his daughter’s life. I was groggy from being woken up but it still warmed my heart. LP called and woke me up last night, David, my Little Prince. He wanted to tell me he thinks I’m special. Who are these crazy people? I love them very much. Catch and Release.

Lisa is back in my life finally! Things are coming full circle. She brought back all kinds of great UK tunes and badassness to camp. She makes me feel like a bigger person. If I weren’t married to David and didn’t love David, I would try to hook up with either of them. Each one has what the other hasn’t. And what each one has I love very much. Ernest Hemingway said that about his wife and a woman he calls Kraut. I changed the names and I’m not married though I am partial to cock.

Ernest also said, “ You never saw a counter-puncher who was punchy.” What a wise old chatter-box. He also said, “Who the hell should care about saving his soul when it is a man’s duty to lose it intelligently, the way you would sell a position you were defending.” Yes.

Today I saw Ironman and bought heeled shoes. The last scene was my favorite. Robert Downy’s arrogance really speaks to me. I’d drink his koolaid. I finally visited beth tom’s website. She is truly an artist’s artist. I want to be her except more exposed and less afraid. When it comes to chatter, she doesn’t put out. She introduced me to my favorite bumper sticker ever, “I Represent GOD You Fuck”.

Estelle and Kanye’s “American Boy”. God of inspiration keep shining on me.

My first boyfriend ever just had a little baby girl named Emmaline. My second boyfriend just bought a house. The third is in Alaska? The fourth is hmm… the fifth is playing jazz in Colorado. The sixth is fixing teeth. Lucky number seven is a real-estate shark. And my latest is contemplating how to give money back to the man. I say he should buy pink rhinestone collars with bells for the baby cats at the humane society. Maybe then they’d let us walk the dogs.

I’m going to Kentucky in five weeks. I won’t have a boyfriend again. David and I say maybe after the summer. You never know… Maybe we’ll still be in love. Maybe we’ll move to California but really, I know we’ll just fall for other people. I’ll stay with the guy who asks me for forever. I have no problem with committing but I don’t think the boys I fall for are the commital type, and that’s fine but it also means there’s no point in waiting. It would be so sad to wait for something that never comes. Griffin taught me that. I’m always the best girl but never the best girl enough for forever. I am Ironman. A league of my own. All there ever is or was.

I hiked to High Falls with an old man named Stewart last weekend and I asked him, “How does it feel to be old?” He was 85. He said he’s exactly the same person he was as a youngster just with a little less energy. He said being old is great if you have hobbies and interests. If you don’t the time just drags and all you think about is dying. His family is all dead but he’s happy with his museums and hikes and stamp collecting… But sometimes I say I’m always happy and I’m not. I still think it would be sad to not have anyone… I want to be like Johny and June with somebody. I will. I’m so cynical sometimes but I know things will work because I try.

But yeah, it’ll suck leaving David. I fell for that one fast and I know deep down that when I get off that plane, Frost Valley will be a dream and David will be gone from me. Never the same.


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