I could really use some sweets right now. I’m in Margetts after a long day of boating and candle making. David’s in my cabin, sick with some achy-maker and I’m sure my period must be coming soon. Today I got another mass email from Griffin asking me to support him in becoming Esquire magazine’s most fashionable male of the year. I gave him a five out of five and mailed him that I’d done so. I immediately wished I hadn’t and since then, I’ve un-voted him because he is my rival, not my friend and I need to work to preserve such a precious relationship.
The whole thing made me think about home a lot, how I miss everyone and how when I get back, nothing will be the same as it was. Because I’m completely not the same. I feel like I’ve aged a lot and that I’m stronger and I have a sense of choice and empowerment. I feel like I know my family and understand our love for each other and when I was home before, this was not the case. Last time I was in Kentucky, I hadn’t seen my dad in almost 3 years. Just knowing my dad again makes me feel so much more complete.
Yes, relationships have changed. I was with Griffin and now I’m not. Now I’m with David and many of my closest friends will all be days away soon… but I’ve come to a place where my relationships don’t define me in the way they did before. I not only can handle being alone now but I like it. And as it turns out I’m a very dynamic introvert. It’s crazy what all’s different when no one’s watching and when I don’t have to be polite or a good girlfriend or juggle countless inequities that surface in a relationship with someone else. The idea of going home to Kentucky has never felt like such an adventure. I feel like I’m going to explore, not be explored. And now, my perception and happiness count. I don’t need someone else to “see it too” for it to count, it being anything. I didn’t used to operate like that.
Getting off the plane in Lexington will be like the first day of school but I’m not gonna have a new outfit or show up with the right person. I’m gonna write on the chalkboard because I remember thinking it felt nice in the past when I’d randomly get a chance at it (teachers use special chalk) and go to an FFA meeting because they play with animals. I’m ready to see what Adele thinks about Kentucky because she’s never had it before, not as her own- not as far back as I can remember.