Right now I’m eating an apple and popcorn and listening to Yanni. Last night David and I were going to see the midnight showing of Indiana Jones but we didn’t- which is great because I heard it was terrible so I’ll see it on a day when I’m fresh so I can be more scathingly critical.

We had tickets for the movie last night. David surprised me with them while I was half watching American Idol, half watching re-runs of Top Chef at the Lakehouse. But we decided to take naps, became unmotivated and woke up this morning feeling more awake than we would have but with less edge.

His parents saw Indiana Jones for their first date. I should have made more of an effort. Something that bothers me about David- pretty regularly, is that he needs to be so far from me in order to fall asleep. I end up feeling rejected and then guilty for feeling rejected because it isn’t really his fault.

Last night our naps were across camp from one another. David dropped me at my cabin and fled to the castle. As soon as he left, I was over Indiana Jones. The midnight movie was like a birthday cake with no party. I do this to David a lot. I shut him down quietly in my head. This morning at breakfast he called me out on it saying, “You know, you have a very short-term emotional memory.” Meaning one minute I’m crazy about him and then I’m so obviously over him the next.

Today the weather mirrored my temperment. I was teaching Project Adventure second period and had to take shelter from the icy rain 3 different times. The rest of the time the skies were clear and beautiful. The whole episode led to little progression in my class and in the end I was tired and relieved it was all over. I wonder if that’s how David feels about me. I’m not bad, just exhausting. And I wonder if it’s too late to fix it… half the time, the other half I wonder if it’s worth it. And that’s the problem.

I talked to my memaw tonight before dinner. She asked me about David and our plans for the summer. I told her that David’s hiking the west coast till October and that I’ll be at Omega till then and after that we don’t know. She said we sound like soulmates… I don’t even know how to hear that shit anymore.


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