Tonight I went downtown in search of postcards. Live music was happening at the Old Capital so lots of locals were roaming about. I bought The Alchemist at Poor Richard’s and followed a man around St. Clair Mall who smelled like my old day care. He brought me back to nap time.
David has the infamous leg. Griffin got a tattoo of his fiancee’s name. My dad says to mind my own bee’s wax so that’s all I’ll say about that. Tonight I’m taking my little sister to the great town of Lexington. I’m not in a partying mood but I guess that’s how a lot of epic nights start out. Maybe I’ll find some postcards. The ones in Frankfort were super so so.
Last night I went to the Southgate House in Newport to see The Black Angels: They were very psychedelic, the venue even moreso. The Southgate House has the feel of a house party upstairs but if you want to see shows you go down some stairs that lead to double doors that take you into a medium sized 3 tiered movie theater without theater seats. You would never expect this space to be here. It doesn’t seem to fit the allotted space of the framing. It was very smoky because you can smoke indoors in Newport, which isn’t Cincinnati but practically, and all the projections were conjured up on the spot on an overhead projector or else shown on an old-timey movie reel. It was as though my dream mansion was inhabited but with very mysterious muses. Some of the rock-a-billy types were the most alluring. I haven’t seen many of those in real life.
Today I woke up on the floor of my sister’s study feeling very cramped and hot. Her dog Kiwi was shuffling around and I could hear people moving about in the living room. I didn’t know what time it was but I knew it was late and that I was missing a very pretty day. It was at that moment of discomfort that I decided I’m not going to drink for the rest of the week. We’ll see how it goes after that but man, do I feel like a real slug today. I don’t want to be this person.
Today my sister’s ex-boyfriend is supposed to come over to collect his furniture. She’s been telling him to do it for months and he hasn’t done it so today she moved all of it outside. When she called to tell him he was pissed, so pissed that I fear for my rental that’s parked outside, especially because it looks a whole lot like her new boyfriend’s car. Last time this guy got mad he knocked the review mirror off my sister’s car, the times before that he punched holes in the walls of her house. I think there are 4 holes in her front passage way alone. I need to shower and get out of here before it’s too late.
I’m in Kentucky now. I’ll be here until July 1st. I had to give away my snake Avery because no one would ship him and you can’t fly a snake on a plane. I cried all day the day I left NY. On the way to the Monticello bus station I cried and had a terrible stomach ache. I was nearly OBE. I was carrying way too much stuff and was really paranoid someone would see Avery and I wouldn’t be able to catch the bus. This was also the last time I saw David.
All morning I roamed the city looking for someone to ship Avery. Everyone acted as if I was being ridiculous and the hike was hard with so much stuff. UPS said no. Fed Ex said no. The USPS said no. American Airlines said no. Some hole in the wall shipping place said no- and they all spoke to me with what felt like such disdain. Just the day before I had called the pet store and they told me they get snakes off everyone. When the animal man from FedEx finally returned my call he said yes, everyone carries snakes but only for businesses with special licenses.
At about 1pm I decided I was just going to have to smuggle Avery onboard despite the possibility of a $250,000 fine. I had him in my suitcase when I met the man who would become his new owner. He was a Jamaican man headed toward the Rockaway. He gave the musicians on the train a dollar for the entertainment before he went back to listening to Michael Jackson on his Ipod. He saw me looking at the map and said I had three stops before I’d reach the airtrain. I asked him if he liked snakes. He said yes. I started crying and somehow the transaction was made and I was alone again- I’d given up everything and for what? Kentucky- the place I was trying to run away from a year ago. Lame.
But I’m home now and I’m doing a lot better than I thought I would. I still eat. I run. I see my friends who are still beautiful and wonderful. Everyone is getting married, not just Griffin and it looks as though I might be “that aunt” for a lot of people before too long, the one who isn’t really related by marriage or blood, but you call her Aunty because she spoils you. I guess that’s fine.
I wanted to get David something cool for his birthday. I was going to get him a life size white chocolate leg but at decision making time I got him a book. I was feeling sappy. I know a book sucks but I’m being phased out anyway and my emotionalism is effecting my purchases. I’m usually a pretty good gift giver… maybe not so much when the pressure’s on, when it feels like this might be it, the thing that completely symbolizes this particular relationship and how much I value it. The book kind of says that. The leg would mean I’m still alive, still in the game. I don’t really feel like I am. OK. That’s it. I need to get back to Lexington and get that damned leg. Now that it’s in print, I can see what a loser I’m being. I give really cool books to people I barely know- especially ones with pictures because I buy things for people that I don’t even know if they read or not. David fuckin’ reads and he would totally “get” a white chocolate leg. Don’t tell him and anyway he doesn’t read my blog so if he knows early, if he does in fact suspect a giant chocolate leg, I’ll know you said so don’t say, but thanks so much for being here. Love you!
Today I lost my Ipod but I still had a really good run. All of my Frost Valley friends are too busy with summer camp to update their facebooks so I can’t spy on them and I’m feeling a little lonely from it. I’m going to bake cookies now.
Last night I stayed in Lexington with my friend Larkin. I milled about downtown during gallery hop and stayed on the scene to say goodbye to Buster’s, a well loved staple of young hipster life. The whole block of bars I used to hang out in is being demolished to build a hotel for the Equestrian Games guests. Now that’s southern hospitality.
Today David and I officially ended our relationship, I guest dj’ed on WRFL with my friend Nick Kid, I saw Ben’s new house, visited Natalie at my old beauty school, ate at Puccinis and ran my longest distance yet. I feel good. I’m eating and running and my friends are just as warm and amazing as I had remembered.
Larkin told me not to be sore with Griffin, that he isn’t rubbing the wedding in my face. He just wanted to be the one to tell me. That’s good. Today everyone is wonderful and my energy is breezy and red.
Also, I do love David. We just have to wait. I’ll be in a relationship with him when I can REALLY be there for him. I know that while I’m gone, I can’t be what he needs or wants in another person. We still write. I’m not as cold or aloof as you might think. I’ve written too much and said to much with him about this subject. I don’t have it in me to blog it out.
I haven’t talked to Griffin since Christmasish. I called him on three holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween. He’s sent me mass emails and I’ve sent responses but he’s never acknowledged them. I found out about him getting married via Haans and that’s it.
Yesterday was my first day home. I checked my email to see if David had written and he had but so had Griffin. Griffin’s email said he was starting a stalking company and that he needed my email. I responded with, Me? I can’t tell if this is a mass email or not. To which he responded, Are you in town? Send me your address. I sent him my sister’s saying I’d only be here for 2 weeks.
Then I walked by my phone and it was beeping. Griffin had called. I called him back and he announced, “I’m getting married!” He wanted my address so he could invite me. Really, is that necessary my little drama queen? I told him thanks but I wouldn’t be attending. He asked if I would go for coffee. I said no, I don’t think so. I’m not mad, I just don’t want to be around him. It’s true, we were very close. We did break up and people stay friends after they break up. Fine.
But they don’t ignore you for a year, make you feel small and then invite you to their wedding 6 months in advance. Why does he want to push me to such extremes? I’m resilient, not a block of ice. I’ll pass on the wedding, his friendship, whatever. In the words of Theo I say to myself, Don’t do it to yourself.
Last night my sister picked me up at the Lexington airport and on the drive home she said to me out of the blue, “Last night I was talking to Jay about why I like black guys and I decided that it’s because I’m mixed and I want to know more about the black part of me.”
I said, “Well, I think that’s a stretch and I think you’re overthinking things a little, don’t you?” Then she apologized for liking black guys saying that she doesn’t TRY to date outside her race. I told her that she shouldn’t think about it because in other parts of the country, no one does. I told her about my friends Jay and George who are an interracial couple and no one has ever seemed to even notice including George’s intensely Scottish father. This struck Amanda as strange. I told her she’d have to see it to believe it. Racism is just such a big part of her world.
If you’ve ever seen my sister you’d know she’s an albino version of me with a thicker accent and a spitfire personality. She goes to a historically black college in our hometown. They pay her good money to go there and it’s a good school but she’s constantly faced with race issues because of it. Being that she’s mostly white in an otherwise white town KSU is offering her a wealth of knowledge and perspective but she’s losing the people in her life that just don’t get it. She was supposed to get a degree, not make friends.
Amanda told me that one of her best friends since middle school, this girl Erin, was in her car with her when it broke down on the highway a couple weeks ago. A black man pulled over to help and Erin said to Amanda, “I’ll let you talk to him since these are YOUR people.” Amanda got out and the man helped her with whatever it was. Then Erin said, “Why don’t you just stay with that guy instead of going out with us? You have more fun with those people anyway.” Whatabitch.
Amanda’s friends tell her she talks different when she’s with black people, that she’s one of them, etc. This shit brings me back to middle school, when you had to choose, and when I chose neither I had no friends till high school brought me Andrew Smith and a new sort of confidence in my unique love is love genes.
I told Amanda she’s just gotta get out of here and see that people are different everywhere. She said that maybe she does need to go to NY. I explained to her that NY isn’t the only place where it’s OK to see people outside your race. She seems to think of NYC as a place where you have to sign an oath swearing to be accepting of others before they let you in. She just really doesn’t believe that a town where people have yards and quiet could ever be accepting of her. And boy does she love her domestic life at age 21, but that’s another story.
I’m overwhelmed. My head really hurts, probably because of this beautyflash balm on my face. I never use it but it’s Clarins so I put some on my face this afternoon to see if it was worth packing. It gave me the usual caffeine headache. I threw it away.
I bought a ball python today named Avery (the name means he rules the land using elfin knowledge) Dad thinks it was a bad idea. Everyone else asks why I don’t have a big terrarium and why I didn’t buy a snake once I got to Kentucky. First of all, snakes can live in things other than terrariums, like underwear drawers and right now Avery’s very happy laying with my heating pad on my bed under a pillow. Secondly, Avery doesn’t live in fucking Kentucky. He’s a New Yorker. A bigger problem is that I’m having a hard time figuring out how to pack him or else smuggle him onto the plane. Packing was hard enough before I fell in love with my new little friend.
My biggest problem however, the one that makes me cry, is that I don’t want to leave David. I’m going to, but I’ll really miss him. He’s my best friend and I’m used to seeing him every day. Yeah, some days we fight (over the lightning bug population in the Catskill Mountains or else what company made the first pair of those hideous posture balancing shoes), but no matter what goes wrong with us ever, we fix it. We forgive each other and most importantly, we both really like each other for who we are. I feel very exposed to him, nothing’s hidden or repressed and he’s still here. But I’m leaving. Tragic.
I’m packing up my cabin today. It hasn’t been such a mess since that night this winter when I drunkenly decided to make the whole space into a fort complete with a sunshine ceiling and cobweb clouds. I had intended to go with 3 boxes and a suitcase but I’ve nearly filled those and I haven’t even started packing clothes yet.
It’s sad to think most of this stuff won’t see the light of day for another decade, or whenever it is I decide to unpack this hope chest of sorts I’ve accumulated over the years. I have so much interesting stuff though every fall it seems I start again with nothing. This packing venture really makes me feel like settling into a home of my own. It’s fun to be transient but not when all record of your existence lives in some musty attic. I get jealous when I see people’s childhood pictures in fancy frames or when they put stuff in some special bowl. All my special bowls are neglected. It seems there really is a homebody lurking somewhere inside me.
I took some pictures with my Polaroid this morning. They make camp seem so far away already. Tomorrow the triangle’s going to see REM, Modest Mouse and The National in NYC- a celebration of music, friendship and change.
Well, my initial shock has subsided and instead of being happy or calm even, I feel 1. like I should be minding my own business and I can’t despite myself. 2. Like mine and Griffin’s relationship was trivial and somehow that makes me trivial 3. DJ Swa is better than me and 4. I have a great boyfriend. Why am I even concerned? but then, why am I not getting married? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH ME?? and how am I so forgettable? What happened to time and a half?
Really though, I had a great weekend in NYC, drank lots of wine with Haans, saw the Museum of Natural History (the deep sea fish being my favorite and the t-rex being the most disappointing. They really weren’t that big.), saw Zohan and stayed at a really great spot. I just need to turn NYC off, Kentucky off and get resituated in the Catskills with my beautiful friends and super sweet boyfriend. I need to be here, where I’m at. There’s a storm brewing outside. David’s off at 10. He’s gorgeous. I think I’ll make it.