August

I finished another painting today. It’s of a dream I had last night of all these beautiful octopi hitching a ride on my airplane. In my dream I bit one of their legs off but I didn’t paint that part.

A couple of hours ago I booked my flight to Burning Man. It feels so real now and I can’t wait!

I’m showing even if I don’t get my paintings mounted in Lexington the weekend of August 22. I need to get some photos to NateFX for my publicity. Nick’s looking at spaces and music and Jake’s helping me frame. I have 17 new works that only a handful of people have seen. This show will be a very exciting celebration.

Postpartum

I’m getting nervous about Burning Man. The desert’s so intimidating. So is the long journey west and back. I’m trying to find someone to carpool with but so far, looks like I might be flying to Reno and shuttling into Black Rock. I’m excited about all the great minds I’ll come in contact with and how much I’ll change. I have to go. There’s no turning back but I’m scared. Dad asked me why I’d pay so much money just to be tortured for a week. I don’t really know. I just have to do it.

So I finished this painting a couple of days ago. It’s a row of animated condos on an over-populated beach with an oil rig in the background- just like the oil rig here. I love it because it’s beachy and that was my intent, but also it’s very dark and playful and so me. I’m really attached to it but Dad wants to keep it. Today Kathy said she was going to write my name and date on the back and I said no. They just don’t understand. I might try to smuggle it back into Kentucky but that will be really hard if they decorate a whole room around it. I just have to paint them something else, something they’ll like better that I’m not completely in love with. I’m not ready to part with my condo painting. It’s not just any beach scene. And just because I paint something fast doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. I store that shit up, the inspiration and all. It’s a very spiritual thing and I’m very possessive.

I have my own god just like all the tiny churches. I’m like a new breed of Mormon writing out my own shit. The condo painting is a chapter of a very sacred text.

Hour 10 of Adele Day

10 minutes ago I made an omelet, well, an almost omelet. I threw it away because I wasn’t hungry but now I’m eating a brownie. Why fight it. (Do rhetorical questions get a question mark?)

I feel like I could run because it’s cool and stormy out but I’m not going to. Instead I’ll watch a movie and look at apartments online. I’ve had enough daytime. Bring on the night so I don’t feel so lazy.

A Real Adele Day

Today I’ve got the house to myself. I just finished a painting. Pringles and beer for breakfast, popcorn for lunch. I think Dad and Kathy got this popcorn for health reasons, not for fun because it doesn’t taste, except for the bit I burnt.

I was thinking I might start another painting but the wind is so fucking annoying and I feel like I should stay out on the balcony because I’m so messy. Maybe I’ll take a nap instead.

Idiot Box Meditation

Today I slept until 1:40 pm and I feel GREAT. I have the house to myself. There’s lots of food here and I have my bicycle to get around on and a fun job to look forward to. Last night I talked to Nick on the phone till 3am, 4am his time. He’s already found multiple places for me to show when I get home and sometimes he spaces out and thinks he’s here with me. It’s nice.

Yesterday I watched an episode of Dharma and Greg. Greg stopped being a lawyer so he could do some self discovery. He didn’t want to be a lawyer anymore. So after a certain amount of time, months maybe, I wasn’t really paying much attention, he secretly began practicing law again. He didn’t tell Dharma because he thought she’d be disappointed he didn’t end up becoming something more on his journey, like he’d half-assed his self-discovery, but she already knew. Because she could tell he was meant to practice law even when he was unsure. All roads lead to home. I’m so happy that I too am ending up where I started, but with clear eyes.

I’ve Finally Found Home

I was in a funk earlier. Last night I puked up crab cakes. (Oh my god, they were SO good going down.) I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stomach them again. So I woke up this morning, Nick’s last day, and felt queasy from the purge and in a head-achey bad mood. Then we took him to the airport, had lunch, I bought a new ugly cell because my razor drowned in the ocean, then to sleep only to awake just as pissy as I was before. The weather matched my mood and I was feeling over-extended and crowded.

But then I made an email and spied my friends via facebook. I read Mary-Allison’s blog and saw that she quoted me. I’m quotable? Now I’m beaming and I want to gush about Nick because it’s my new favorite happy thing to do. Friends, god, they’re such a beautiful, vital life force. They can bring me to life from even so far away.

30 minutes later and I just got off the phone with Nick. What uncanny timing. I feel so “met” by him. He’s kind, extravagant, unsheltered and not a people collector. He’s a seasoned critic and SO much fun. His favorite thing to do while he was here was ride waves on the boogie board. I love his energy and playfulness. I’m completely smitten. I’m going to visit him in Kentucky in 3 weeks.

Things with David … well, we’re good friends. We can love each other and want the best for each other but as it turns out, he’s going to nest in Cali. Good on him. I’ll visit at some point and we can camp and fish and muse. For now, I wish him the best and I’m grateful to know him and to have known him so intimately. He’s smart and engaging and passionate and I know love will work out in his favor.

About me. I’m excited about Nick- yes, so very excited. He’s perfect. Completely wonderful. But Lexington as my home is something I’m so desperately in love with. Breaking news: I’m moving back to Lexington in October.

I want to own a home with my sister and her baby and various pets. I want to be a part of the Lexington community, to show my art to my audience and to at some point, write my book, open my store, to make real advances on my creative dreams. I want to run on the Henry Clay estate, have out of state visitors and show them how beautiful Kentucky is and I want to have real holidays with family. My heart is bursting.

Orange Clouds Raging Ocean

My friend is here and magically the internet at Dad’s works again. Everything has been magic. Yesterday we bought bikes instead of renting a car and everything’s an adventure. There’s so much more to see when you’re moving in slow-mo and sweating and shouting to hear each other. Right now I’m drinking a mimosa and sucking a ring-pop. The good life.

Last night I had a dream some rich district of Lexington was being bombed. I only knew it was Lexington because all of my Lexington friends were there. The bombs were small but dangerous and it seemed only a handful of us expensively dressed hipsters were aware of them at all. We began stealing everything and hiding in the woods and arguing with more clueless friends about the consequences of the explosions. Also, I was a bed-hopper because every time I was talking to someone about the explosions, he was a different boy in a different bed.

I’ve been confused about my future lately. I want grad school, travel, love and babies and I feel like I’m running out of time. I’m torn between settling down in San Fran or Lex, or else going to Korea or maybe Texas for school. Memaw’s words are finally taking hold. Maybe because other people have started saying it. Quite loudly. I’m running from something.

For now, I’ll try to “be present” by taking my intoxicated half naked self to the beach.

On Empty

I’m at the library with Dad and Kathy. I just responded to a couple of emails from David. I really do miss him so much. I have a friend coming to visit tomorrow. Gosh, I really am stumped about what to write. I guess I’ll just say, I’m not dead, I do remember I have a blog but today, I cannot write worth a damn.

At the Library

I’m at the library today. Dad took me yesterday but I had another one of my panic attacks- so he decided he might need to bring me more frequently so I can get things done- like communicate with my friends. I didn’t even have to ask. I’m having freak-outs more often lately. I need to figure out how to remedy this because they come at awkward times, they’re uncomfortable, embarrassing and they make me feel like I’m not where I should be.

I started my new waitressing job. It’s actually a lot of fun so far. It’s a small place with a huge turnover so the staff is big and diverse.

I’m anxious to check out a new book before Dad pulls me out of here so I’m not going to say much more. Vampire Weekend is stuck in my disc drive and Water For Elephants is the best book I’ve read since McCarthy’s The Road. It’s about the circus… but so much more. I think you’d love it.