Right now I’m listening to Lavender Diamond and sitting in my dad’s living room with a cosmic brownie and a big glass of skim milk ( If you know me, you’d know I drink whole milk- red milk… and David would always fetch me one when he was getting his cereal after every meal.)
Today’s the 4th of July. I just finished watching fire works on the beach with my dad and Kathy. We’ve been spending a lot of time with their friends today.
Dad’s friend Wayne told me the jelly fish don’t sting and not to be scared. I had already seen 2 and I was standing on the beach instead of playing ball with everyone else. He said, “They don’t sting.” I gave him the look. I have this horrible look I give that says, “ If you really think that, I can never believe anything you ever say again.” He said to prove it he’d catch the next one I saw and show it to me. This made me feel better and as I was getting into the water, I saw a man-o-war, plain as day. I showed him and when he caught it, it stung both of his hands.
I asked if it stung him and he said yeah, that he was lying to me before but that it didn’t hurt too bad. That he can either be a sissy or take it like a man. I’ve never had anyone go to such great lengths to keep me from being scared.
I don’t know who to miss right now. I feel very lonely but it’s by my own doing. I realize why my friend Nick never calls. It’s because I left. I left David. I always leave but I have this journey. I have these things I just have to do and even though I don’t know what they are, I know I have to keep going and searching.
During my first run on the ocean (ever), I was listenning to Third Eye Blind and I felt like I could just keep running forever. Every part of me was going full force. My body felt strong but I realized that it’s my heart that was pushing me forward. And it’s my heart that pushes me forward always. I’m gonna take good care of that little thing so when I do stay somewhere, I don’t know, I’ll be ready I guess.
Nick just called. He said he’s really happy today. He emailed his ex-girlfriend in Santa Cruz and people thought he was drunk today before he ever started drinking. He reflected during the fireworks in Lexington while I felt claustrophobic and lonely at the ones on the beach. He told me that and I had a real “What the fuck is my problem?” moment. Now I feel fine. I feel warm because of my sun-colored belly and full and loved by my family.
Memaw’s sending my paints up in the next week. I miss them terribly and anyway, I might paint beachy things to sell at a art market nearby on Sundays. Maybe I’ll sell so much I won’t need to wait tables. My real paintings are in Frankfort. There was a mail mix-up and I didn’t get them until the day before I left town. My next show will be a BIG one.
I’m really lonely without my old friends and without my privacy. My alone self had become such an important person to me. Now she’s in hibernation. She doesn’t like living in the living room.
I wonder how David is doing, if he ever thinks of me. It’s so hard to say. I’ve really calloused myself to him. It’s one thing to say “maybe” with someone you’ve been seeing with no problems, it’s another to say “maybe” to a person who’s left you before because you weren’t good enough. It’s hard to believe in maybe and it’s made me spiteful. It isn’t his fault this time and I wonder if I saw him again if we’d go back to being best friends or else this place of deep indifference and distrust.
Today I had an anxiety attack.. We were at Walmart and I couldn’t answer any of Dad’s questions. I just breathed deeply, told him I’d have to tell him later- why I need to recycle, why I can’t wait tables, why I can’t answer these insesent questions.
It all started this morning. I got up at 8, went running at the beach, swam in the pool with Dad and Kathy, showered, called about a job interview, ate, looked at the clock- ONLY 11:00 AM! The time moves by so slowly here. I’ll have 40 years as a waitress here, 2 months real time, ALL THE TOURISTS! I CAN’T RECYCLE HERE. I taught environmental education for a year for god sakes!
I ran to the beach with a full plastic cup of wine at 5 o’clock today, minutes after I’d secured my job at M’s Seafood and called a friend. I miss my friends. I miss feeling like myself. When I came back to the condo dad asked me what was going on in my head. I told him, I don’t know, I just freak out sometimes and he said he knows because I’ve always done it. He was called in about it when I was in Day Care, 1st and 2nd grade. I had no idea.
So yeah, I freak out. I can’t breathe and I want to cry over nothing more than an aluminum can in the trash.
About waitressing, It’s hard to imagine myself working a job I’ve worked before, better than the chick with too much makeup who’s managing me now. It’s like Jim’s Seafood all over again except someone will be bossing ME around. It’s regression. But Dad says there’s no such thing.
Right now I’m listening to Beirut and it isn’t as beautiful now as it once was. I guess we’re over now David. I guess you letting me go for the summer was really letting me go forever because I don’t picture our wedding when I hear the mandolin, I hear my typing and I picture my ISBN number. I want to explore. I want someone to come with me. Someone who would stay with me around the world, not just when it’s convenient. Not fair? Life’s not fair, trust me, I know this and I’m glad of it. Fair would mean I’m only 5.5” with an ACT score of 27, potential: mediocre and instead I’ll fly above it all. I will because the world is irrational and I will squeeze into the warmest most forgiving places where I will find the greatest love of all.
Tonight Dad told me some interesting things about his and Kathy’s love. They are due much more credit than I have given them. They are the real deal. No one knows their true history and I’m not obliged to say but it will be in the book. Dad’s writing the book this year. He promised me. It’ll be a big “Fuck You” with a grand finale of truth and true love.
I just saw my pregnant self walking by in the airport. She’s at the window now watching planes. We’re the same color, her hair’s darker but curly and she’s a little fatter in the arms, wearing a tie-dye dress. If she’s really my pregnant self she’s headed to Spain where she’ll add feathers and gems to her festive attire.
The unpregnant Adele is headed south to visit family and further discover her “personal legend.” Am I jealous? A little. I just have to get over the hump. The bulk of the, “I’m Getting Married!!!”, “We’re Having a BABY!!!” is almost over. I’m 25, surely on the downcurve. If I can just get through these next couple of years without feeling like a rejected nomad, I’ll be OK. I’ll graduate to explorer status.
I just talked to my sister and as I was on the phone a girl named Glenna waved at me. She was a friend Amanda and I made together this week. It’s strange seeing people you know in airports in other states. I called Amanda because I had to tell her what a creepo this guy Jeremy is. He keeps leaving me very aggressive or else very whiny texts about spending time with him. Jeremy, if you’re reading this, go fuck yourself.
But yeah, I really have enjoyed hanging out with my sister. Getting along with her makes me feel like a real grown-up.
So, no internet at Dad’s anymore. I don’t know if I’ll be able to blog often. Blogging’s such a great outlet for my thoughts. I was just telling Dad how I’ve managed to stress myself out today because I’ve been sitting around at airports- with nothing to do but think. I can read, but only if I can keep my thoughts from interrupting. With a blog I can purge and I don’t feel alone. I can reread what I’m feeling and see how trivial some things are while others are just funny. I feel like a part of the whole. It’s become as important to me as running or eating.
Blogging also proves to me that I’m not completely cold when people say I am. I can just go back and read that yes, I do in fact have feelings (“I’ll prove I have feelings! Read right here!!!”). Blogging also proves to me that I’m not a psychotic bitch because I write often and I don’t document when I suck so when could I possibly suck when I’m so consistently normal in print?
Mary-Allison asked me why I blog. Really, I started my blog because Al Fileris has one and I think he’s cool and blogs are free so I wanted one too… but it’s become so much more. And if you don’t think you have it in you to do it, LISA, you do. Imagine, how fun it is to be naked- all the wonderful things you can find to do when you don’t have clothes on, and then imagine taking the clothes off your thoughts. I’d say I’ve still got some undies on but the tits are feelin’ the breeze.