I’m Sad Right Now But Maybe I Won’t Be Tomorrow. I Hope.

I just found this old AdeleStreet draft.  I never posted it because I didn’t want people to know I was sad.  I guess.  I almost cried reading it just now.

 

Dearest Blog, let me say that I’ve missed you and I have so much to tell you since I abandoned you weeks and weeks ago. Living in Kentucky is hard now that the freshness and glam of of home has worn off. I don’t have a job and sometimes I worry about money. I was in love at Omega and now that’s fading in the space between. I saw Griffin and DJ Swa (the fiancee) yesterday and I feel off balance again.

But I’m painting and that feels so very real and good. I’m also vegetarian and I don’t wear make-up anymore though I feel ugly often. Not wearing make-up and not dressing up is nice because I can be one of the guys and discuss the masculine, world-changing things that they discuss. It’s hard because I go unnoticed and people make fun of me and my old circles think I’ve gone a bit crazy.

I’m lonely a lot. I spend so much time by myself, even more than I did at Frost Valley in winter. Sometimes running isn’t enough and cigarettes are about the only thing I can do to curb lethargy. I want companions. I want to be an amazing painter and I want to be better at healing- myself and others.

Tomorrow I have nothing to do. No job prospects, just my paint, so I’m going to paint until I run out of color. Most of my paints are still with dad. It will be exciting to use cadmium yellow again.

Eating healthy is more like fasting because I don’t know what to eat and Kroger is such a long walk. I mostly eat blended fruit stuff or eggs but it isn’t any good and I don’t feel nourished by it. I tell myself the vitamins will take care of me but it isn’t true. I just know. I need friends who are like me close by, to make this transition OK and to give me hugs. I never touch anyone anymore and it makes me sad.

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