I was just downstairs getting free coffee when I met this guy. I didn’t meet him really. He just complained about the coffee and I thought he was miserable and that this was a patterened way he had worked out to approach girls. Complaining.
But now I’m thinking about patterns in my own life, the many things I do that don’t serve me at all, in relationships in particular. Like the fact that I want to be with the person I love all the time, to the point where I can’t focus on my own life, to the point where I’m riding along on worthless errands and falling asleep to TV buzz. Yuck.
Other things I do that I hate are eating milk and cheese, twittering or facebooking in that vain sort of way- not in a networking way, more of a “look at me” kind of way. I don’t like when I watch TV. I don’t like walking too far. It makes me worry that I’ve chosen the wrong city. I don’t like when I smoke while drinking but I really like smoking during the day. It makes me aware of the way my breath moves through my body. It makes me thankful. I don’t like that I PMS, but what the fuck am I supposed to do about that? I don’t like when I don’t say what I want, I usually don’t recognize my wants until I can’t have them. Like I’m not really afraid of dying, not at all. I could have gone to Afghanistan with Pete. I could live in France. I could stop talking for a week.
Patterns are so heavy because they don’t feel like patterns, they feel like my personality, inescapable. But I know better. And I hope that complainer guy does too. And anyway, I really like the coffee. It’s tasty and the machine it comes out of is a lot of fun.