Fall-time Dinner

Keenan and I are finding our rhythm in living together.  Positive:  I’m using my commuter-girlfriend and everyday-breakfast-date time to run.  I feel a little sore.  Healthy except that I’m smoking more often.  The smoking is giving me a little ulcer that feels a lot like IBS.  I’m trying to cut back.  Negative: nothing but the idea that some day some thing might go wrong.  We’re mindful not to nag each other.  There’s something about living with a lover that says forever, that you might be stuck with this forever and so you rush to change the flaws by nagging.  We’re trying not to do that.  I don’t tell him to clean up all the time and he doesn’t tell me to get out of the house more.  I’m home a lot.

Our room is full of cubbies and bins.  Almost nothing has a place and those few things that do are over-crowded with duplicates of themselves, the 5 peg door rack with 5 scarves, 2 towels, infinite jackets.  The 4′ closet with 6 dresses, 7 pairs of paints, 15 shirts, extra-infinite jackets.  We have a big sheet of space-board forming a sound barrier between our room and our room-mates’ nightly 3am bone.  We sleep sound, eat well we’re warm and we laugh a lot.  We have entirely too much of the wrong stuff but I think that will work itself out over time.  This is a far stretch from my Lexvegas minimalism.

In Lexington I had a huge room with 3 cardboard boxes for furniture.  I utilized the entire space as a studio pulling a sleeping bag from my closet at night to sleep.  The friends who stopped by were familiar and once removed from a best friend.  They felt safe.  Now every new person feels like some sort of invasion.  I don’t know why.  My mind is always looking for some reason to be on edge. This is the most people I’ve lived with since leaving the Burrow where I lived with Sarah and the bunnies.  I’ve been in cabins and closets for a while now.  The love and warmth of roommates and all the homey stuff is familiar yet overwhelmingly new.

I turned in my studio key today.  I officially live in Western Addition with my WONDERFUL boyfriend and Joshy & Kristen.  I’m excited.  I feel so blessed and happy.   Fall is here, we carved a pumpkin last night and we have a pot-roast simmering on the stove.  If only I can just stay here, in this moment and not the make-believe future moments of maybe Keenan will come home one night and say “This isn’t working,”  “I don’t love you anymore,” “I’m no longer attracted to you and I want to be with this other girl.”  That shit happens (remember?).  Trust me.  Out of fucking left field…  Fingers crossed, breathing in the smell of fall-time dinner.