Fall-time Dinner

Keenan and I are finding our rhythm in living together.  Positive:  I’m using my commuter-girlfriend and everyday-breakfast-date time to run.  I feel a little sore.  Healthy except that I’m smoking more often.  The smoking is giving me a little ulcer that feels a lot like IBS.  I’m trying to cut back.  Negative: nothing but the idea that some day some thing might go wrong.  We’re mindful not to nag each other.  There’s something about living with a lover that says forever, that you might be stuck with this forever and so you rush to change the flaws by nagging.  We’re trying not to do that.  I don’t tell him to clean up all the time and he doesn’t tell me to get out of the house more.  I’m home a lot.

Our room is full of cubbies and bins.  Almost nothing has a place and those few things that do are over-crowded with duplicates of themselves, the 5 peg door rack with 5 scarves, 2 towels, infinite jackets.  The 4′ closet with 6 dresses, 7 pairs of paints, 15 shirts, extra-infinite jackets.  We have a big sheet of space-board forming a sound barrier between our room and our room-mates’ nightly 3am bone.  We sleep sound, eat well we’re warm and we laugh a lot.  We have entirely too much of the wrong stuff but I think that will work itself out over time.  This is a far stretch from my Lexvegas minimalism.

In Lexington I had a huge room with 3 cardboard boxes for furniture.  I utilized the entire space as a studio pulling a sleeping bag from my closet at night to sleep.  The friends who stopped by were familiar and once removed from a best friend.  They felt safe.  Now every new person feels like some sort of invasion.  I don’t know why.  My mind is always looking for some reason to be on edge. This is the most people I’ve lived with since leaving the Burrow where I lived with Sarah and the bunnies.  I’ve been in cabins and closets for a while now.  The love and warmth of roommates and all the homey stuff is familiar yet overwhelmingly new.

I turned in my studio key today.  I officially live in Western Addition with my WONDERFUL boyfriend and Joshy & Kristen.  I’m excited.  I feel so blessed and happy.   Fall is here, we carved a pumpkin last night and we have a pot-roast simmering on the stove.  If only I can just stay here, in this moment and not the make-believe future moments of maybe Keenan will come home one night and say “This isn’t working,”  “I don’t love you anymore,” “I’m no longer attracted to you and I want to be with this other girl.”  That shit happens (remember?).  Trust me.  Out of fucking left field…  Fingers crossed, breathing in the smell of fall-time dinner.

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From “Sex and the City” to the Bachelor Pad

A great way to change 100’s of pictures from RGB to CMYK is to use a batch action in Photoshop.  An awesome way to get from Ocean Beach to Fulton is to hitch-hike.  The 5 is too crowded and slow, people driving home from the beach are generally mellow and kind.  A delicious way to make breakfast is to drench cous cous and dried figs in honey.  An absolute brilliant way to  save money is to move in with your boyfriend and his room-mate.  Right?

[chirp chirp]

Keenan and I are about to embark on yet another relationship milestone.  Beginning October 18th, I will be residing in the Orange House with Keenan and his best friend Josh, bringing my rent down to $450/mo less than I’m paying now.  They will each have an equivocal financial benefit.  All parties are content with this newfound flexibility in income.  But what about our relationship?  It will change, maybe drastically.  It might be really wonderful.  It could also be so bad.  The only thing that’s for certain is that it will change.

If  not for economic reasons, Keenan and I would probably prefer to extend our courtship, give ourselves maybe a full year of dating before exchanging keys but money is tight right now, probably for a lot of us.  practicality is not particularly romantic but that peace of mind of just a little more wiggle room  will probably open our hearts for more love, maybe not romance, but love.  Stress can be so toxic.

For now I’m doing my best bring homage to my current home, savoring what little time I have left in my downtown oasis.  Enjoying my very private Carrie Bradshaw-esque routines.  This is the first place I have ever rented on my own.  From the  moment I stepped  inside at the Open House last winter I was in love with the wood floors, the Hotel Huntington sign lighting the night sky, and the large granite kitchen.  I’ve made paintings in this space, friends who I cherish, I’ve published magazines, raised hermit crabs, shared some of my first moments with Keenan, made beautiful meals, love, you get the idea.  This studio is one of my favorite places in the world.   I think very soon, that same favoritism will lend itself to Orange House.

Movie Nite

I just arrived home from the movie theater. Pete and I watched “Pirate Radio”. It was informal, decadent, and beautifully crafted with a godly soundtrack.  I haven’t stopped smiling since…  Sort of.

When the movie started, I had that inkling of fear about it ending. It’s something that happens when I’m lonely. When I’m super lonely I get sad when I’m finished eating a meal, or when a movie is over or when it’s morning and there’s no breakfast.  When I used to live in the House of Joy in Lexington, a little hippie house in Chevy Chase, I would pick 2 movies from the video store every afternoon when I finished work and I’d watch them back-to-back before an early bed-time. I would feel so nervous half way through the second movie. I don’t remember a lot of the movies, but I remember that feeling and I experienced it again tonight.

I slept a lot today. I had a long conversation with my little sister who is almost finished with her teaching degree. I’m so proud of her. I took pictures at a motorcycle event for the magazine I design. I bought a new book, Bright Lights Big City. I had breakfast three times… But last night I broke things off with the boy I’ve been seeing and no matter how much I know it was the right thing to do, my heart is broken and when “Pirate Radio” ended, a part of me wanted to disappear with the final credits. But it was good, a great movie. You should see it… and I’m happy, just not all the way deep down, not tonight.

Sass

Remember: Don’t talk to me about what you read on AdeleStreet.

For a while I’ve been writing superficial bullshit (mostly unposted) because I’ve felt too exposed. Not tonight thank god because I can tell by my wide 2am eyes I need to cough up something real to reach equilibrium. I need a vice. It has to be AdeleStreet because it’s too dark to paint and the tv’s numbing my brain, probably irreparably. I have a book I can read but it sucks- The Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. It’s written from the perspective of a child with autism. I just don’t have the patience for it. It REALLY gets on my nerves.

I used to tutor a kid with autism in high school art class. One day he ran away from me, and all over the school for that matter with a thumb in his mouth and a hand down his pants. I think his name was Jared… and anyhow, if the book was more about stuff like that, I’d like it a lot better.

I go back to Lexington in one week. I think Nick is nervous, nervous that he has to be the boyfriend or that I’ll be staying over too much or that he’ll have to tote me around or deal with any of the details of my new Lexington life. He doesn’t need to worry of course. He’s picking me up from the airport but I’ll probably head to Frankfort the very next day to get my art sorted. His concern or else the concern I’ve projected onto him makes me feel a little guilty, and I haven’t done anything. Surely it’s just the distance. Of course it is.

I’m listening to the Junior Boys right now and they always remind me of the day Griffin burned their cd to send to DJ Swa when she first moved to San Fransisco. I didn’t know anything then but it makes sense that they’re getting married. He really seemed happy that day. I’m listening to the song, Like a Child and yeah, ha! That just wasn’t my place. This is or else wherever I float off to next. I wonder if I’ll actually be able to anchor the way I planned or if Lexington is yet another stop.

I used to paint myself as a muse or in costume. Now I’m just me, very tangible and steadfast but my feet move so quickly. I love to run, even when my body’s tired. I run out to a sign that says Seas of Change before I turn around and by the time I get back, I’m sad the run is over and I contemplate doing it again but I never do. I love to run and I love to be dropped off at the airport. And I love to drink $10 glasses of Sam Adams while I wait for my plane.

I’m going to be in Lexington until January at least and I’ll stay past then if I can find a job but I don’t think I’ll find one that’s right for me. I’m paranoid and I’m already making plans of how to get back on my feet after I meet my demise. I’m excited but also, I’m scared to come home.

I need to just stick it out, to be strong but when you stay in one place for too long, people think they know you and you become your job or your family. I can’t hide in a place where the scenery never changes. I don’t mind the short romances of a nomadic lifestyle. They don’t make me cry or smoke too many squares. I don’t mind not seeing my family. We get along so much better when I’m not around. But yes, is it really living if you don’t hit the ups and downs? Is seeing everything really living it? No, it’s not. I know this. It’s just so damn scary to stay.

I’ve Finally Found Home

I was in a funk earlier. Last night I puked up crab cakes. (Oh my god, they were SO good going down.) I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stomach them again. So I woke up this morning, Nick’s last day, and felt queasy from the purge and in a head-achey bad mood. Then we took him to the airport, had lunch, I bought a new ugly cell because my razor drowned in the ocean, then to sleep only to awake just as pissy as I was before. The weather matched my mood and I was feeling over-extended and crowded.

But then I made an email and spied my friends via facebook. I read Mary-Allison’s blog and saw that she quoted me. I’m quotable? Now I’m beaming and I want to gush about Nick because it’s my new favorite happy thing to do. Friends, god, they’re such a beautiful, vital life force. They can bring me to life from even so far away.

30 minutes later and I just got off the phone with Nick. What uncanny timing. I feel so “met” by him. He’s kind, extravagant, unsheltered and not a people collector. He’s a seasoned critic and SO much fun. His favorite thing to do while he was here was ride waves on the boogie board. I love his energy and playfulness. I’m completely smitten. I’m going to visit him in Kentucky in 3 weeks.

Things with David … well, we’re good friends. We can love each other and want the best for each other but as it turns out, he’s going to nest in Cali. Good on him. I’ll visit at some point and we can camp and fish and muse. For now, I wish him the best and I’m grateful to know him and to have known him so intimately. He’s smart and engaging and passionate and I know love will work out in his favor.

About me. I’m excited about Nick- yes, so very excited. He’s perfect. Completely wonderful. But Lexington as my home is something I’m so desperately in love with. Breaking news: I’m moving back to Lexington in October.

I want to own a home with my sister and her baby and various pets. I want to be a part of the Lexington community, to show my art to my audience and to at some point, write my book, open my store, to make real advances on my creative dreams. I want to run on the Henry Clay estate, have out of state visitors and show them how beautiful Kentucky is and I want to have real holidays with family. My heart is bursting.

At the Library

I’m at the library today. Dad took me yesterday but I had another one of my panic attacks- so he decided he might need to bring me more frequently so I can get things done- like communicate with my friends. I didn’t even have to ask. I’m having freak-outs more often lately. I need to figure out how to remedy this because they come at awkward times, they’re uncomfortable, embarrassing and they make me feel like I’m not where I should be.

I started my new waitressing job. It’s actually a lot of fun so far. It’s a small place with a huge turnover so the staff is big and diverse.

I’m anxious to check out a new book before Dad pulls me out of here so I’m not going to say much more. Vampire Weekend is stuck in my disc drive and Water For Elephants is the best book I’ve read since McCarthy’s The Road. It’s about the circus… but so much more. I think you’d love it.

Wedding Invitation

I haven’t talked to Griffin since Christmasish. I called him on three holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween. He’s sent me mass emails and I’ve sent responses but he’s never acknowledged them. I found out about him getting married via Haans and that’s it.

Yesterday was my first day home. I checked my email to see if David had written and he had but so had Griffin. Griffin’s email said he was starting a stalking company and that he needed my email. I responded with, Me? I can’t tell if this is a mass email or not. To which he responded, Are you in town? Send me your address. I sent him my sister’s saying I’d only be here for 2 weeks.

Then I walked by my phone and it was beeping. Griffin had called. I called him back and he announced, “I’m getting married!” He wanted my address so he could invite me. Really, is that necessary my little drama queen? I told him thanks but I wouldn’t be attending. He asked if I would go for coffee. I said no, I don’t think so. I’m not mad, I just don’t want to be around him. It’s true, we were very close. We did break up and people stay friends after they break up. Fine.

But they don’t ignore you for a year, make you feel small and then invite you to their wedding 6 months in advance. Why does he want to push me to such extremes? I’m resilient, not a block of ice. I’ll pass on the wedding, his friendship, whatever. In the words of Theo I say to myself, Don’t do it to yourself.